Average Jane™

Average Jane's First Literary Masterpiece

On Monday, Heather Armstrong of Dooce posted some of her second grade homework.  It reminded me that thanks to doting relatives who hoarded all evidence of my burgeoning creativity, I still have a copy of the very first story I ever wrote.  Without further ado:

The Olive and the Pickle
by Jane, Age 9

Once upon a time there was an olive and a pickle.  The olive danced around and played, but the pickle slept all the time.  The pickle was the olive's next door neighbor, but the pickle didn't like the olive because he made too much noise.  The olive didn't like the pickle because he slept all the time.

But one day a whistle sound came from the door.  A present was there in the box.  There were two jars in it; one with olive juice and the other with pickle juice.  On the card it said "Aunt Olive, Uncle Ollie, Aunt Patsy Pickle and Uncle Patrick Pickle."  On the box was a note.  It said, "Please wake up pickle and give him the jar."  The jars are marked.

Olive said, "Wow.  If I could only find a way to make Pickle wake up, I would do anything."  As he got to Pickle's house, he knocked at the door and then Pickle came to the door.  Olive told Pickle what his aunt and uncle gave him.  Pickle said, "But Olive, you left the radio on."  So Olive rushed out and once again went to turn off the radio.  When he got back to Pickle's house, he said, "Do you want your swimming pool?"  "Yes," he said, "if you go to the store and take my money and buy a water bed."

So he went to Hot Dog Street, up Pancake Street, two blocks and down Apple Avenue.  He cashed a check there and went back to buy the water bed.  To his great disappointment, a big fat lady grapefruit bought the last one.  Olive said, "I will not tell Pickle.  I will go to the sporting goods store.  I'll try the water bed there.  Won't Pickle be surprised.  I'll buy it."

When he got back, Pickle fell asleep on his water bed, while Olive played ball, swam, got out, dried himself and picked little cakes off the bushes and ate until he was full.  Now it is you see Olive and Pickle are friends because Olive is not so noisy and Pickle is not sleeping all the time.  That is the end of my story.

*****************
Notes:  If this seems exceptionally well punctuated, it's because someone (probably my mother or grandmother) typed it up for me at the time.  Apparently she let me determine my own paragraph breaks, though.

What's with the crazy water bed stuff?  At the time, I thought that those inflatable pool rafts were called water beds. 

Cakes growing on bushes?  Huh?  Read as many Oz books as I did when I was a kid and some of it would rub off on you, too.

Average Jane's Annual Party

Every year, my husband and I throw a gigantic party and invite everyone we know.  Our house is miniscule, so the party must be mainly confined to our back yard, back patio and deck.  This means we have to choose the date carefully to make sure it isn't too hot, too cool or raining.

Last year we made the huge mistake of having our party over Labor Day Weekend, which made for a very light turnout.  This year we're shooting for mid-October.  It'll still be nice out, but probably not hot.

When we have some disposable income, we do a nice party with catered food, kegs of beer, etc.  This will not be one of those years.  This year it'll be potluck and BYOB, but I don't think our friends will mind.  We'll buy some ice, hot dogs, bratwurst and buns, fire up the grill and let the rest work itself out. 

We plan to set up on the deck so that my band and at least one of my husband's bands can play, then we'll open it up so our other musician friends can jam if they want to.  I always worry that the non-musicians will feel left out, but they seem to enjoy themselves.

We sometimes have as many as 100 people come by over the course of the day.  There's minimal overlap between groups and I notice that people ordinarily find a person or two that they know and cling to them until they leave. 

My question for all of you:  what can we do to encourage people who don't know each other to mingle?  I'll take any ideas I can get.

Average Jane Writes the Songs*

After much procrastination, I finally wrote the lyrics to two of my band's songs this weekend.  It was both harder and easier than I expected, but very satisfying overall.  When I had the first one finished, I kept saying out loud (to myself), "I wrote a song!"

I quickly figured out a great system for working on the songs:  I took the CD of instrumental versions of our songs, ripped it to iTunes, played each song as many times as necessary to understand the details, and typed the lyrics in Word in the foreground.  Once I had a full complement of lyrics, I'd play the song several times and go through it to make sure I hadn't written something that was impossible for me to sing.

For the first song, there was a guitar riff in the chorus that suggested the phrase "ready or not" to me.  I decided to write a song about someone needing to face his or her destiny.  Don't laugh, but I couldn't help thinking of both Odysseus and Buffy the Vampire Slayer while I was writing it, even though it's not overtly about any particular character.  Keep in mind, we're talking about '80s-style heavy metal here, so melodrama is not only acceptable but desirable.

The second song was a little bluesier, so it ended up being about former bar regulars who haven't been in for a while.  I have an idea for a third song that's directly based on a story from Greek mythology, but I need to give it a little more thought to make sure I can follow the narrative within the song structure.  Again, think maximum drama - and keep in mind that we already do "Flight of Icarus" by Iron Maiden (which isn't very true to the myth, but nevermind).  I won't hold my breath waiting for recognition from the Grammy Award nominating committee anytime soon.

I had band practice late Saturday afternoon and my bandmates seemed to like what I'd written.  I told them that I wouldn't be offended if they told me they didn't like some of my lyrics.  After all, I wouldn't want to desecrate one of their songs.  They said their only songwriting criteria were:

• No death metal
• No profanity
• No sappy love songs

I think it's safe to say that I will be able to easily avoid those categories.  I can't pull off what one of my bandmates refers to as the "Cookie Monster vocals" that often accompany today's grimmer metal songs.  I might let loose a bad word or two from time to time, but I don't think it's necessary to enshrine one in verse.  I'm not wired for sappy emotion of any kind, so it's exceedingly unlikely that I would ever write a love song.  I believe we're all thinking along the same lines.

I have four songs left that need lyrics and melodies, so I'll be wracking my brain to think of subject matter.  For me, the hardest part of writing a song is figuring out what it's going to be about.  I may have to hit the Dictionary of Cultural Literacy a few times before I'm through.  This is fun!

*Sorry if I put the Barry Manilow song in your head.  I can't resist the cheesy, obvious headlines sometimes.

Average Jane in the Rain

I woke up to a thunderstorm so noisy that at first I thought someone might be breaking into our house.  Once I woke up a little bit, saw all the lightning and turned off my bedside fan, I realized what was going on and decided to get up to a) enjoy the show and b) get my blog entry done in case the power went out.

It's been raining a LOT lately.  July was dry and extremely hot.  For a while, our yard looked like a vast field of toothpicks.  All through August it's been raining frequently, particularly for the last couple of weeks.  I work on the 14th floor of a downtown building, so I enjoy a good thunderstorm view, but dread those days when it's just grey and gloomy from dusk to dawn.

Then there's the humidity.  All this rain hasn't really done much to lower the temperature, it's just made it almost impossible to breathe outside.  I often walk several blocks to lunch and lately it's been a little alarming how short of breath I am by the time I get back to the office.  I hate to say it, but I'm about ready for autumn to kick in.

This morning's storm is sure to do bad things to my commute, but fortunately I was planning to leave early anyway.  I have Cagey's baby shower invitations to mail, a credit union run to make and maybe I'll even treat myself to a Cafe Americano at Starbucks if I have time.

But first, I think I'll sit here for a few more minutes and watch the storm.

Average Jane Needs Maintenance

A week or so ago I finally took the time to make a few calls and schedule myself for vital physical maintenance, including:

• An appointment with a new dentist this morning.  You may recall my last dental experience, which convinced me that I needed to switch.  It's only been four months since my last cleaning, but because I have a recurring toothache, I figured I'd take any dental appointment I could get.
• A complete physical later this month.  Lately I've only been seeing my doctor for my twice- or thrice-annual bouts of bronchitis and/or pneumonia.  I figured it wouldn't hurt if she had a look at the big picture every now and then.
• An eye doctor appointment the weekend after next.  I'm on my last pair of disposable contact lenses and I've decided I'd like a pair of glasses from this decade, in case I ever need to wear glasses in public.

Once all of that stuff is out of the way, maybe I can move on to surface maintenance.  My sister got me a gift certificate for an eyebrow waxing and I could use at least one more pedicure before sandal weather ends.  Hey, I just remembered that I have a gift certificate for a massage kicking around somewhere!  Maybe I can take a Saturday sometime and put together my own run-all-over-town spa package.  Hectic and relaxing by turns...

But first, I just got a postcard that all four cats are due for their physicals and shots.  Hauling them all into the vet at once is always a delight.  After that, I'll really need a spa day.

Average Jane Recommends...

I'm still woefully overdue to update my blogroll, but I've been adding as many as a dozen blogs a week to my Del.icio.us list.  Here are some that have caught my eye recently:

• The Joy of Six - Jory DesJardin's mother, Joy, started her own blog this week!
• Conversations with Famous Writers - "Amusing banter with cool writers"
• Lifehacker - Lots of interesting information on a variety of topics
• My Life as a...Gas Station Attendant - I think of it as "Zen and the Art of Dealing With Convenience Store Customers"
• David's Journal - Interesting observations about pop culture, media and other subjects from David Byrne

Have a great Wednesday!

Average Jane vs. Her Bathroom

As of this week, my husband and I are back to similar work schedules.  Thus, for the first time in several years, we face a daily Battle for the Bathroom Mirror.

Our house has one-and-a-half bathrooms, an assessment that I feel is a little generous.  The half bath is pretty much a toilet and a pedestal sink in a closet.  There's no place to set a makeup bag or haircare tools, so it's out of the picture as a potential morning primping station.

The full bath is not much better.  I'll start with the decor:  paneling on the walls that's supposed to look like tile, aging linoleum, beige shower enclosure, yellowed beige marbled sink and countertop, and cheap brown under-sink cabinet. 

The exhaust fan broke a while back, but the sheetrock of the ceiling is too compromised for it to be possible to just put in a new fan without replacing the whole ceiling.  Thus, I'm fighting a constant losing battle with ceiling mildew, even if we shower with the bathroom door open.  When people come over, it's all I can do to restrain myself from telling them, "You can use the bathroom, but please do not look up."

There's a cabinet in the wall next to the shower that is inexplicably about four feet deep.  Once a bottle of Skin So Soft makes it to the back, it's years before it sees the light of day again.  The cabinet door swings over the edge of the countertop, often knocking things directly into the trash where they're immediately buried by tissues, never to be seen again.  I'm pretty sure I've lost some nice cosmetic items that way.

There's just the single sink, so if my husband is using it, I can't see past him to use the mirror.  He's 6'3" and I'm 5'7", so you can imagine the scene.  My only advantage is that I get up earlier than he does, but I usually blog first thing in the morning, so that kills my edge.  Luckily, I don't care all that much about my hair and makeup anyway.

I have a plan for remodeling the bathroom to make it more useful and beautiful.  I would take out the tub and shower enclosure (how often does anyone really ever take a bath?) and replace it with a corner shower.  I would remove the huge, useless cabinet and extend the counter and mirrors all the way across the width of the room so we could have two sinks.  The extra under-sink storage would make up for the lost cabinet.  There would be no more "tile paneling," but real tile on the walls and floor.

I forgot to mention that when some previous homeowners did the remodel that resulted in our current bathroom, they blocked off the window.  In the back of my house there's a much-painted piece of plywood covering what should be the bathroom window.  In my fantasy remodel, I would restore the window and glass-block it for light, perhaps even adding a second one.

Until the Money Fairy waves her wand over our household finances, we're stuck with the awful bathroom.  We have no skills at all for doing the work ourselves, and for that matter wouldn't be able to afford the materials.  Someday I'll have the gorgeous bathroom of my imagination.  Until then, I suppose I'll have to start getting up a little earlier and invest in yet another bucket of Kilz for the ceiling.

Average Jane's School Days

I've been following the news about schools returning to healthier cafeteria fare with a good deal of interest.  My question is:  what made them lower their standards so drastically in the first place?

When I was in school, there were two choices:  bring a sack lunch or eat the daily entree in the cafeteria.  There were no vending machines of any kind.  If you didn't want a half pint of milk or chocolate milk to go with your meal, there was always the drinking fountain.

I usually brought my lunch from home, but the cafeteria food wasn't really that bad (except for the chicken chow mein, which was always an off-putting pale chartreuse color).  The cafeteria meals included all of the four basic food groups plus a modest dessert, and cost very little.

I could see that things had changed when my husband's sister lived with us while she went to high school.  I was appalled to see banks of vending machines in the cafeteria packed with sugar-filled sodas and candy bars.  Presumably the cafeteria staff still made traditional school meals, but I doubt that any of the kids bought them when they could have Pizza Hut, hamburgers and french fries, and other junk food every day.

It's no wonder obesity continues to rise among children.  If I'd been given the opportunity to eat fast food every day as a child, I'd have tossed my PB&J and apple and lined up for the pizza and french fries.  I know this because as soon as I started college and had access to unlimited junk food, my dietary standards immediately went downhill.

I hope we're seeing the trend toward junk food in school cafeterias is coming to an end.  Yes, schools need to have physical education classes, too (it's hard to believe that gym class has gone by the wayside), but limited access to tempting, empty calories is also important.

Shopping with Average Jane

After having had a camera phone for months now, I've finally found an excellent use for it.  A friend and I are planning a baby shower, but we couldn't find a good time to shop for invitations together.  That wasn't a problem with the camera phone, though!  When I found some invitations worth considering, I'd simply photograph them with the camera phone, send them to Flickr and share them with her.  Then she'd veto them all and I'd start again at the next store.  (Just kidding!  It went much more smoothly than that.)

Then there's this:

www.flickr.com

I was shopping at Borders last night and I had to take a photo of this picture frame because the minute I saw it, I thought that it looked like a creepy shrine cobbled together by a crazed stalker.  I cannot imagine anyone actually purchasing it and displaying it in their home.  It's disturbingly "psycho ex-girlfriend/boyfriend" - there's just no getting around it.

As you can see, the big problem with the camera phone is that it takes crappy pictures.  However, it makes me want to get a decent quality, pocket-sized digital camera to carry in my purse.  Now that I've upgraded to the Flickr Pro account, I'm inspired to take more photos.  I'll never be as good a photographer as some people I know, but at least I can have a little fun with it.

Average Jane's Latest Obsession

Thanks to a link last week on J-Walk Blog, I am now thoroughly addicted to WEBoggle, an online, multi-player version of Boggle. 

Every night I find myself sitting on the couch with the iBook on my lap playing game after game after game.  One thing I've learned:  Boggle has its own vocabulary.  Every time I look at the words I missed, the list is full of words I've never heard of before (and I have a pretty decent vocabulary for most purposes).  Therefore, my scores are pretty consistently awful, yet I cannot stop playing.

I apologize in advance to anyone who clicks the WEBoggle link above and falls victim as I have.