Thanks to the five-day weekend and my L-tryptophan-induced lethargy, I had the opportunity to watch hour upon hour of pop culture commentary shows on basic cable this week. Now I'm feeling extremely bitter that my high school and college guidance counselors did not give me a heads-up about the fastest-growing new job in the entertainment business: professional smart-ass.
My mother always used to say, "Nobody likes a smart-ass," but now we all know better. It turns out everyone likes a smart-ass, as long as that smart-ass is available to go on TV, watch video clips and make snarky comments.
Now I'm unsatisfied with my current smart-ass credentials. It's not enough anymore that I'm known around my office as having told the dirtiest joke in a staff meeting (and to be fair, it was only the punchline).
Thus, this is an official advertisement of my availability as a professional smart-ass (or PS-A, if you like) for any occasion. I'm happy to make fun of your ad campaign, the way you dress (despite having no fashion sense of my own - hypocrisy is no deterrent for a licensed PS-A), the silliness of outdated entertainment trends...you name it, I'll mock it for you.
Be assured that I'll hold myself to the highest standards of the profession. It's clear that some PS-As are starting to cross the boundaries of acceptable pop culture mockery. As a lifelong pop culture trivia sponge, I'll know when a song was intended as a joke and adjust my comments accordingly. Also, I will not turn my back on something I really like (or used to like), just because my fellow PS-As consider it "awesomely bad."
I may not be the most telegenic person in the world, but the makeup and hair people will take care of that, as will the personal trainer I hire when my workday is limited to watching DVD boxed sets of old TV shows and reading every gossip mag the instant it hits the newsstand.
It's my destiny, I tell you. Call me!